Do you have a super annoying sister who thinks she is better than you? Or, a next door neighbor who criticizes you for feeding your child processed, sugar-filled cereal in the morning while you attempt to wake up with three cups of coffee?
Give them a gift that will truly make a difference this year. Merry Christmas, to all the jerky parents out there who totally deserve to watch their special snowflakes open these gifts.
For the Mom at playgroup who complains that your kids are “too violent” when they pretend to be superheroes: Little Tikes DiscoverSounds Hammer
It’s not supposed to be a weapon, but in the hands of a toddler, it becomes one. They’ll bang it as hard as they can (because it only makes it’s annoying “boing!” sound when you hit it hard!) on the wall, and on the cabinets, and on Mom’s knee.
For the Mom with the Pinterest Perfect Home:
Sure, she’ll pull out one of her many colorful acrylic trays and try to keep the kids at the table with glitter’s evil cousin, but it will only take one short bathroom run for this stuff to find it’s way into every crack and crevice in her home.
For the Mom who doesn’t believe in giving kids electronics:
It doesn’t have a screen per sey, so I am pretty sure this won’t violate her rules…. but it will annoy the crap out of her. These needy little machines never stop with their mechanical monster voices and their whining be be fed. The fun really begins when the battery starts to die. I am still convinced the one I had in the seventh grade was possessed. Bonus points if you make sure to buy the ugliest one you can find.
For the Mom who brags about her honors student all the time:
I have no idea what this is doing on Amazon, but the reviews are hilarious, and I am SURE that mom’s evil genius of a child can figure out something clever to do with this. They’ll probably cure cancer or something, and then you’ll have to listen to her brag about it more…. so on second thought, don’t get the kid this. Get him rocks.
For your mother, who always knows what is best for your little angels:
Hungry Hungry Hippos
This toy is perfect for all the worrywarts out there! It’s noisy! The kids will beg for adult participation! It contains about a million little choke-hazard balls! By the time the game is over, grandma will need a nap and you can high five the kids.
For the Mom who is annoyed by your talking on the phone:
Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Corn Popper
She always rolls her eyes when you answer the phone at playdates. Apparently, one should never, ever take a personal call while the kids are playing. You MUST give the kids 100% of your attention at all times! See how much she enjoys watching the kids play while Jr is rolling this around the living room floor.
For the family who complains about your animals:
They are allergic to cat hair, and think your dog is too loud, and are sure your son’s pet turtle carries salmonella. They’ll LOVE this toy. It doesn’t make music, it makes music in a demonic cat voice, which gets worse and worse as the battery dies. Bonus- it comes with a microphone to make their child’s meows even louder.
For the Mom who thinks your kids are a bad example:
I am not sure there is a toy out there more rude than this one, and I can about guarantee her precious little one will love it. She’ll cringe as he shoots farts at everyone who comes to visit and you can sit back and laugh. You know what, buy one for all her kids so they can have fart wars.
For Everyone Else:
So you’re not really sure why you dislike them, but that doesn’t matter, you still want to give their child a terrible gift. Give them a recorder.
Until that child gets to the third grade, and they are forced to learn to play a real song on the thing, it will be used for nothing other than making one, high pitched sound.
Noisy gifts are the best kind of gifts to give people you hate.
Don’t like any of these gifts?
Don’t like any of the people you would be giving them to? Save your money and give it to someone who deserves it.
Instead of buying frivolous gifts this year, cancel the white elephant and the neighborhood swap, and give to charity.